My Baba with the Babushka

My Baba with Babushka

Comforting aroma of fresh bread
beaten, kneaded, punched down
frustration of monotonous existence
Sticky dough serves as punching bag for emotions
allayer of mood

Metallic tang of well water
dipped from pail on counter
smacks of earthiness and strength
necessary to draw it forth
to sustain others
How many pails have you hauled in your lifetime?
Buckets balanced in each hand
scales of impartiality measuring judgment in your mind?
Sloshing, spilling despite effort to save each precious drop
Water for washing, drinking, cooking
lever pulled and pushed
pumped up and down
brought back and forth
dogs nip at heels
white geese with orange beaks
honk indignantly as you cross their path
oblivious to your resentment with this plodding, repetitious task

Sweat on brow
hard working hands
calloused, hardened from toil in
garden and field
yet soft and welcoming
ready to lift and embrace
a teary tot or boisterous child

Mother Goose apron
fashioned from flour and potato sacks
full of seeds
or hand picked eggs
fresh from chicken coop nest
warm to touch
fodder for family meals
base of nutrition

Surrounded by relatives
Baba quietly goes about her business
stirring pots and pans
on wood burning stove
As she listens to conversations
raucous children
scurry about like
field mice underfoot
dart here and there
rustle her skirts
swishing movement
as little hands grab food
off the table
before dashing back outside
wooden door swinging in their wake

She patches clothes
sews patterns
in a mud chinked room
lit by kerosene lamp
electricity a luxury that she did not enjoy
until late in her life;
labours long after dark
heavy breathing, soft snores of family
nocturnal accompaniments
for this tiresome composition she is
performing

Ukrainian accent held in check
broken English strange on the tip
of her Slavic tongue
hair held in check
by her dark babushka
sombre color
an echo of her
dispirited mood
stray locks of hair
attempting freedom
are pushed back
with weary hands

Her family grows
one by one leaving her behind
to pump water
and knead bread

Returning with their own families on weekends
a growing brood gathers
continue to drink metallic water
continue to eat fresh baked bread
flour dust clouds
hide
Storm gathering behind Baba’s eyes

While the world progresses around her
her environment remains bleak and unevolved
pump and hold
pump and hold
pump
and
hold

Dimly lit
slowly fading
until one day

She leaves

She walks away
Her shift is done

She enters a home
for seniors
for those unable to care for themselves
for those unwilling to care for others

Some say she snapped
call her crazy
cuckoo-nana

She grew tired
this beautiful “Aunt Jemima” Baba of mine
Tired of serving others
Tired of the well
Tired of the back and forth, up and down,
punching and kneading

It was time for her to be served
and that’s how it was
until she passed away
No more time on her primitive farm
Her sentence had been served

 

Helpless

I saw a photo of you today
and delighted in your smile
until I looked carefully

I recognized this pleasant appearance
was not endorsed by you entirely
there was a sadness in your eyes

The white flag of surrender
was being flown
under the pretext of a happy expression
By looking closely
one could see
the unmistakable masquerade
of your melancholy

What has driven authenticity away
what troubles lay on your path

I wish I could cross
the barrier of the image
to help ease your sorrow

In a Funk

Today is a melancholy day
Last night ‘lack of confidence’ arrived
along with her companion ‘cynicism’
followed closely by ‘sadness’ and ‘depression’
It’s a crowd
my soul balks at their presence

Rose colored glasses were trampled in haste
as these visitors clambered to enter my day
before my eyes were fully awake

An opaque shroud of blurred vision
with a fearful tinge of imagined obstacles
was left behind
the ‘Bogey man’ under the bed
who rode in on the coattails of these intruders

Misty grey skies
echo my somber mood

I have invited rest
to keep me company
as I hope sleep will escort
these uninvited callers elsewhere
while my eyes are closed

Access Denied

locked door

(image from flickr.com)

The door is locked
and you won’t share the key

Sometimes I catch you in there
when you think I won’t notice

like the Garden of Eden
fruit of all trees can be eaten
except one

I have access to all rooms
except one

I don’t desire knowledge
for I know what’s in there

Neatly packaged bundles of memory
wrapped with the bonds of time

some bursting their ties
swollen with retelling

others tattered around the edges
faded and worn

I want to throw the door open
dust away cobwebs

let in the light of day
cut the bonds of these tightly held packages
loose the memories

releasing
like a boat being untied from its mooring
ready to accept a new adventure

but the door remains locked
and you won’t share the key

Reaching Out

How difficult it must be for you
Here I am
wallowing in my own self-pity
Poor me
Woe is me
What must it be like for you
How difficult is it to contain your anger
Or is it disappointment
Disapproval
Sadness

Sad for the loss of a life
you hoped to have
Two parents who live together happily ever after
Perhaps you’ve been disappointed in who I am
Seeing me as I am
flaws out there for all to see
Not acceptable
Not the person you had in mind

Maybe you feel you had to make a choice
Not so
I’ve never been given a chance
to argue my case
Do I have a case
It wasn’t me asking you to make a choice

Whatever your reason
it doesn’t matter
I’m sad
I can’t deny that
I want you to know
no matter what
I love you
I want only the best for you
I wish you well
Perhaps one day
I will fit into your life, too

Searching

Sadness, sorrow, melancholy, blue
underlying feeling of loss
on the outside
can’t see in

Been together a long time
part of me won’t belong
No blame
No fault
part of life
hurts just the same
impossible to ignore

Not sure where I belong
don’t quite fit in
“Blood is thicker than water”
Not true!
How can own flesh and blood
own DNA
push one aside?
How horrible

Don’t feel real

so much promise
so much disappointment

struggle to maintain balance

push hard, run far
momentary blank
hurt from exertion
instead of internal pain that rises

problem yours
not mine
Not so!
can’t pretend nothing is wrong

Silence
holds far reaching repercussions

drifting, senseless unease

Many wonderful opportunities
Daily gifts provoke gratitude
Still…

Deep sense of something missing
close to the edge
threatens to swallow me
Whole

A fine balance
take care not to misstep

Weave and dodge through daily routine
skill of one who seems to have it all
A smile here, nod there,
cluck of disapproval
hug for one in need

Others oblivious

Terror
slip in the abyss

Hide it well

Sadness permeates all I do
Take nothing for granted

Much to be grateful for
If only I knew
Where I belong

My Reality

As I release my disillusionment
Morgan raises her sleepy head
and sits up on the warm, moss covered rock
where she lay
She cocks her head
and looks quizzically in my direction

My hands are raised in supplication
tears fall silently down my cheeks
I am abandoning what I thought was
and I am facing what is
It hurts

Morgan says nothing
watching in silence

My heart is breaking
as I release my idea of what a family should be
media driven ideas of mother, father, children and a dog
social ideas of a nuclear nest that is warm, nurturing
a source of comfort

My reality is a reality of divorce
not amicable
custody battles
fighting for my children
fighting for my sanity

I look at Morgan
she remains silent
but I see compassion in her eyes

The emptying of my hurt continues

My reality is a reality of new beginnings
re marriage
step parenting
Welcoming more children into my life
I cry as I am accepted by these young people
but continue to face rejection by my own

My reality is a reality of joy but also disappointment
it is with the disappointment
where disillusionment lies
hopes and dreams dashed

Reality is hard to face
I want to hang on to what I want to believe
not the reality that is in my face

To have a child facing jail time is a harsh reality
what happened? where did we go wrong?
the blame game explodes to the surface
and is difficult to quell

To have a child feeling so distressed
they try to take their own life –
that is a much harsher reality

Morgan gasps and comes to my side
her silence continues
but her presence is comforting

The desire to help, take away the pain
make it better for my child
is consuming
but ineffective
I am rebuffed, accepted, rebuffed again
I can no longer hold any illusion of my world
Reality is before me and cannot be ignored

Morgan embraces me and holds tight
I feel safe, secure, protected
and wish I could do the same
for my family

As I embrace Morgan
I embrace hope
hope for healing of tormented minds
and restoration of severed relationships
I hope for loving kindness to prevail
for peace and well being for myself and my children

I hope for a new reality

Waif

Sometimes I just have to cry
the emotion sneaks up on me when I
am least expecting it

A happy day
sun shining
so why do I feel so blue?

Somewhere there is a wounded
little girl
frightened
not knowing where to turn

I can see her
I can feel her
but I can’t quite reach her

Each time I get close
and open my arms to embrace her
she scurries away
anxious about getting too close

I recognize the look of trepidation
in her large blue eyes
Her mistrust runs deep

With her dishevelled hair
unkempt clothes
her neglect is apparent
My heart aches for her

I want her to know
that people do care
she is not alone
The world can be a beautiful place

I want to keep her warm
her tummy full
her mind challenged

I want to find her
and let her live…

Tonight is going to be
a two bottle night

Misunderstanding

You’re going left
I’m going right
We both want the same
Yet we struggle and fight

The storm clouds brew
They swirl and spin
Meaning is lost
The tension begins

The sweetness, the romance
Gone in a flash
Hands draw into fists
Teeth clench and gnash

You make your point
I strive to make mine
The atmosphere charged
We need intervention: divine

Ears that won’t listen
They can’t seem to hear
All progress lost
Replaced by tears

I thought I understood
I now know I was wrong
Peaceful resolution
Is for what I long

I was so excited
I thought we were in this together
I didn’t anticipate
Communication stormy weather