As I release my disillusionment
Morgan raises her sleepy head
and sits up on the warm, moss covered rock
where she lay
She cocks her head
and looks quizzically in my direction
My hands are raised in supplication
tears fall silently down my cheeks
I am abandoning what I thought was
and I am facing what is
Morgan says nothing
watching in silence
My heart is breaking
as I release my idea of what a family should be
media driven ideas of mother, father, children and a dog
social ideas of a nuclear nest that is warm, nurturing
a source of comfort
My reality is a reality of divorce
fighting for my children
fighting for my sanity
I look at Morgan
she remains silent
but I see compassion in her eyes
The emptying of my hurt continues
My reality is a reality of new beginnings
Welcoming more children into my life
I cry as I am accepted by these young people
but continue to face rejection by my own
My reality is a reality of joy but also disappointment
it is with the disappointment
where disillusionment lies
hopes and dreams dashed
Reality is hard to face
I want to hang on to what I want to believe
not the reality that is in my face
To have a child facing jail time is a harsh reality
what happened? where did we go wrong?
the blame game explodes to the surface
and is difficult to quell
To have a child feeling so distressed
they try to take their own life –
that is a much harsher reality
Morgan gasps and comes to my side
her silence continues
but her presence is comforting
The desire to help, take away the pain
make it better for my child
I am rebuffed, accepted, rebuffed again
I can no longer hold any illusion of my world
Reality is before me and cannot be ignored
Morgan embraces me and holds tight
I feel safe, secure, protected
and wish I could do the same
for my family
As I embrace Morgan
I embrace hope
hope for healing of tormented minds
and restoration of severed relationships
I hope for loving kindness to prevail
for peace and well being for myself and my children
I hope for a new reality
Morgan is a character of my imagination. She first appeared when I wrote Priestess.
I read your new post today. I’m sorry for your pain. Words are not enough right now. There are no words, but there is a shared empathy that will hopefully carry you along and support you. I assume that Morgan is your guardian angel perhaps or a soul sister. She’s just there to love and guide you. She will never leave you.
Thanks for being so open to your readers. It takes couage to put yourself forward like that, but perhaps in doing so you expose your true, raw feelings for all to read and ponder and they in turn help sauve your wounds.
Your path is strewn with flowers and sunlight and dreams. May they come true.
Loving kindness from Linda (an admirer)
Thank you for the heartwarming comments 🙂
It does take great courage to put oneself forward the way Mary has done here. Who knows the good that can come from Mary’s courage to others who know the kind of pain that she writes in “My Reality”?
For all of us who have known you since before these children were born, our hearts go out to you and we know what a loving and caring mother, wife, daughter, friend you are. We can only hope that our support for you helps and that our genuine reassurances that this is “not your fault” are absorbed not just by your head but by your heart.
Since I know how much you love dogs and how much animals can love so unconditionally, I believe that Morgan is a dog. We all must seek that which makes us whole again!
Thanks for your comments Karen. Thinking of Morgan as a dog made me smile!
Dearest Mary, your reality contains heartache, disillusionment and pain, and for that I am profoundly sorry. I am so moved by your willingness to share the vulnerability and raw emotions you surely feel. So I am grateful & glad to read that you have such loving hopes for yourself and especially for your children. You are a beautiful woman, inside and out! God Bless!!
Thank you, Meghan!
Be the change that you have stored in your heart.