Anger and tenderness: my selves.
And now I can believe they breathe in me
as angels, not polarities.
Anger and tenderness: the spider’s genius
to spin and weave in the same action
from her own body, anywhere —
even from a broken web.
(Adrienne Rich)
Jacket is slowly retrieved,
carefully put on.
Scheduled appointment time
has long since come and gone.
Waiting for an indication,
some reason for this to-do
rather than being left alone
by myself to sit and stew.
Simple words remain
unsaid.
Billowing images rise
instead.
Thoughts fly
to delirious heights;
trailing hurt and anger
ready to ignite.
No explanation given
for the unexpected delay.
Patience wears thin
with the lengthening day.
Minutes pass,
magazine pages are read.
Still no one comes out,
nothing is said.
Jacket is buttoned,
zippers zip.
Do not reschedule.
Never mind a tip!
(internet photo)
Random thoughts
roll through my brain.
A pinball pattern
navigates a maze of ideas.
Emotional bumpers
flip
free ball thinking
to light up fear or anger,
ring bells of relief or laughter.
Cognitive displays
flash and wobble
to warn of danger,
alert
what must be done next.
Points are awarded,
a second chance given
when I can rebound
not held captive to speculation
in a zone of no return.
I see a kickout hole opportunity
to adjust attitude and attention,
regain direction.
Noise buzzing around me
cue connections
to keep on going.
Tilt must be avoided
at all costs.
Loss of free will
or forfeiting self
to the judgement machine
of others opinions
is not an option.
I am a pinball wizard.
Tears are falling all around me,
diamond sorrow beads
silently spilling over flushed red cheeks.
A room full of emotion
becomes a sauna as numb people gather.
Perspiration dots foreheads,
dark circles stain arm pits.
Words of comfort are spoken
while words of sorrow are swallowed
along with stagnant, suffocating air.
A youth walking
in the shadow of addiction
stepped across onto the wrong side
of the line.
In an instant his soul sped away.
Life evaporated.
Anger rises above grief.
Anger at the monster
that has come into our homes.
Anger at the beast
that has enslaved our loved ones.
Anger at the powerlessness
we have in the face of this horror.
Hot tears stream.
Heaving tears overflow.
Shocked tears splatter.
Tears are falling all around me
diamond sorrow beads
silently spilling over flushed red cheeks.
seconds
less than a minute
time it takes to cross threshold
from one room to another
life changes
voice stolen
gone
unexpected words
spoken in anger
have power to stop any motion
power to steal any utterance
vocalization
a thing of the past
articulation arrested
stunted
swallowed in disbelief
frantic heartbeat
racing thoughts
no sound escapes lips
seared together
saliva fled along with speech
flaming cheeks
follow flash of insight
no rebuttal will be justly heard
knowledge of necessary decision
crystal clear
in order to save
authentic self
(internet photo)
With the click of a dial
turn news on and off
select what you will see
Neighbor next door
bruised face
tends garden
head down
hat covering eyes
Change the channel
avoid conflict
choose comedy instead
Baby cries upstairs
hungry
mom struggles to make ends meet
silently walks the street
Laugh at the tube
comfortable calm achieved
worries of world switched off
Harsh words said
door slams
teenage anger flares
flee to unknown destination
With the click of a dial
selection is made
oblivious to life at hand
Deal is made
in shadowy space
fate is sealed
with the click of a gun
Time
Distance
Who is the fastest
Who has the most followers
Whose child rates highest
How many countries have you visited
What’s your production
What is the dividend
Who do you think you are
What makes you think your opinion counts more than mine
What’s the payoff
What’s in it for me
photo from cnnectability.ca
Ears ring
Hiss and Snap
not a kettle or pot boiling
Something inside
I just want to be mad for awhile
I want to rage
to holler and yell
I want the world to suffer perceived injustice
with me
I don’t want to look for the positive
or see any silver lining
The limit has been reached
Any limit
My limit
I want to let emotions flow
tears to fall
I want to steam and boil
a sulphuric geyser field
exploding
soaring
shooting energy
into the sky
a powerful force
dangerous
yet beautiful to behold
bursting confines
then
Gone
As quickly as the eruption
spent
I want that moment
Let me shed
destructive thoughts
feel angry
voice my pain
Then subside
spent
Peace restored
What happened?
Did you decide that I
am not worth knowing anymore?
Thought processes
going through your mind
resulted
in the conclusion
“she is not worth it”?
what does it mean
to be worthy?
Worthful
Worthy
Worthwhile
Worthlessness
Someone worthy commands
respect
or is held
in high regard
considered desirable
the relationship valuable
worth saving
An incidence once
stopped me in my tracks
I was advised
“Demand respect
Make him listen”
How is that possible?
I have fallen
short of perfection
My pedestal broken
My tiara cracked
the truth is
I was never perfect
I’m sad that
inefficiencies and flaws
have driven you away.
Funny thing is
I do not want to go away
disappear from your life
I am not willing
to skulk to a corner
feel sorry for myself
I do not accept
your version
of who I am
Frankly,
I don’t really know
who you think I am
Would you be able
to answer that?
The road hasn’t been easy
I almost capitulated
to your angry image
almost surrendered
my precious soul
I know I cannot
demand respect
or love
or a relationship
I cannot
demand
anything at all
I stand before you
warts and all
waiting
patiently
for your eyes to open
because I feel
I am worth it
