A Couple Of Things They Don’t Tell You

Here are a couple of things they don’t tell you about sheltering in place. They don’t tell you how one day will blend into another, how you will have to look at your phone or computer calendar to know exactly what day of the week it is. You might rise earlier to catch the sun coming up or sleep later and wake with a dream chasing you into your day. They don’t tell you when you shelter in place how much you will miss your grown children – the ones you only saw once a week anyway but with the virus senses are heightened and each moment has an urgency to it. It feels like all the love you have must be funneled into this moment in case it passes and the opportunity isn’t here again.

When you shelter in place they don’t tell you how filled with emotion you will be when an ad hoc parade rolls down your street. How hearing horns honking will lift your head from the trowel in your flowerbed. How you will move to the front yard in time to see banners with the names of teachers, proclaiming how much they are loved and missed. Your hand will automatically go up to wave and tears will automatically fall for people you don’t know and for a mascot you don’t recognize but the outpouring of heartfelt sentiment is real and palpable. You see your neighbors, who have also come out onto the street, put their arms around each others shoulders. As the parade disappears everyone lingers, looks in the direction the parade has just gone, holding on to the love just a little longer. With a little wave, or half smile, people slowly walk back to what they were doing. They don’t tell you that when you are sheltering in place you will feel alone even among your neighbors.

Or how spending twenty-four/seven with your husband, the man you love, can feel like a little too much time together. How you have no doubt you want to be together but even in this time of sheltering and craving time with others, you still need time to be alone, to be still with your thoughts, to just breathe.

They don’t tell you how the joy and beauty of seeing your friends on Zoom can quickly swing to heartbreak when you realize how long it has been since you’ve hugged any of them. No one tells you how difficult it is to perform for your friends, cello notes ringing loud and clear… you see their faces but can’t make eye contact, and you see their hands are clapping but you can’t hear the applause. No one tells you when you shelter in place how much you will miss the subtleties of human contact, the shift in posture you read in a conversation, the slight inflections in one’s speech, the things lost with the delay of video links. No one tells you that playing bridge, a game you love, will become just a game. What you really loved was the analysis of the play of the hand afterward, the laughter, the teasing, the small talk. Typing in a chat box doesn’t compare. Nothing can replace the feeling of security and realness of gathering in the same room – even if all you do is smile and let the energy of their being wash over you. I can’t wait to be drenched.

White Flag

surrendar

This behaviour must stop
NOW
who is punishing who
Am I being punished by your silence
Or are you being punished by my acquiescence

The role of martyr is easy to fall into
the lure of acceptance -poor me-
showing the world how patient how sacrificing we can be

How did it come to this
to such an impasse
a test of wills
who can hold out the longest

I want to see you
I want to have you back in my life
I want to be able to call you up
and have a conversation

Let’s put this behind us
take the leap of faith
find each other again
there can be connection
it was never completely severed
despite what we both thought

Let’s find a way

I’m sorry for my role in this
for not trying harder
reaching out sooner
for suffering the silence

Let’s find a way
No questions asked

Sniper

The joy of meeting
after an extended time apart
quickly turned to discomfort
as words pierced the air between them
landing precisely between insecurity and self doubt.
Comments made casually,
“by the way…but he really didn’t mean it”
were released with the skill
of a camouflaged sniper
patiently waiting to strike his mark.
An awkward pause ensued
before the two went their separate ways.
The sniper content that all was as it should be,
the receiver struck with recriminating thoughts.