November 19, 2014 by mincs1 Barn Owl Thick fog opaque sky descends unexpectedly barn owl talons pierce Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:Like Loading... Related
Hmm…Are you playing with the juxtaposition of a thick fog, opaque sky, with its implication of light not being able to pierce through, and the piercing of the owl’s talons? Does the owl’s talons pierce the fog? I feel as though this haiku is a bit more contrived, Mary; if you will forgive my direct feedback.
That said, the fascinating thing about haiku poetry is that is can have multiple interpretations. Indeed, haiku can be shaped by the reader as much as the writer.
May I be so bold as to give another version? I do not intend to suggest this version is better. It may even be worse!
Thick fog falls over me
Owl shriek pierces through
Let me know what you think, please!
Thanks for your feedback, Meghan. I like the haiku that you wrote! It’s interesting that you have called me out on this one because I really have struggled with it. This is what I originally wrote:
Heavy opaque air
barn owl eyes spy prey
I looked at it the following day and edited it to what is posted above. I was trying to show that an owl’s eyes are sharp enough to pierce the dense fog which allows it’s sharp talons to pierce its prey. Somehow I was trying to get the two images together.
Thank you for your comments, Mary! I am really glad you shared with me your original, which I actually think is much closer to what you wanted to capture. Isn’t it interesting that when we struggle with a piece we often overwork it? Well, that is certainly true of me!
Sometimes I think that if we write out in prose style what we want to try to capture then we know what we’re aiming for in our poetic form. Does this make sense? You have a a clear image of what you want to express. Perhaps revisiting the prose description as you have given here in your comment can help guide you to a more satisfying haiku.
Mouse quivers with fear
shrieks as talons close over
fog no foe for Owl
Now I am having a lovely challenge to see if I can write a haiku that would capture your vision. The problem with my second attempt is that the heavy dense quality of the fog does not come through as strongly.
How might you write your haiku now? 🙂
I will revisit this piece and let you know what surfaces. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and ideas, Meghan. I look forward to playing with this!
Please don’t feel you need to revisit this unless you really want to, Mary. I have rambled on about this haiku in part because I was wide awake & wired! Did you note that I was writing at 2:22 A.M.? 😀