I like the subject of this haiku however I don’t feel the classic “ah-ha” moment or a sense of the unexpected that many haiku contain. This feels like a sad observation; emotional response is very muted. Might you play with this some more to see if you can tap into a deeper emotional response?? Your subject is a very good one!
Thanks for your honest opinion, Meghan. I wrote it when I was in a hurry and, like you, felt it wasn’t quite what I was after. What do you think with the final line reading “paradise amok” instead?
I like the subject of this haiku however I don’t feel the classic “ah-ha” moment or a sense of the unexpected that many haiku contain. This feels like a sad observation; emotional response is very muted. Might you play with this some more to see if you can tap into a deeper emotional response?? Your subject is a very good one!
Thanks for your honest opinion, Meghan. I wrote it when I was in a hurry and, like you, felt it wasn’t quite what I was after. What do you think with the final line reading “paradise amok” instead?